How to Survive a Horror Story
by Luddles
Summary: Zack, Genesis, Angeal, and Sephiroth are on a mission on a dark and stormy night, encountering a house that just may be haunted. But Genesis doesn't believe in ghosts. There's another logical explanation as to why he keeps screaming in terror, of course.
1. A Dark and Stormy Night

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, because if I can't even draw Zack, I obviously don't own a video game about him. **

**A/N: So… this is going to be a really interestingly genre-ed story. Humor and horror, what kind of combination is that! Anyway, I think some of the big reasons why everyone is getting into so much trouble in this is because Zack is being an idiot. Yay! **

**A Dark and Stormy Night**

You know, ninety percent of horror stories begin with the phrase "it was a dark and stormy night". Thus, this phrase has become increasingly clichéd over time, and often, people don't use it because they want to think outside the box and make up something new and original.

This story does begin with "it was a dark and stormy night", because there is no better way to describe the situation.

Hey, at least it doesn't begin with "once upon a time".

VII

Zack Fair did not appreciate this stormy night, not at all. His hair was getting soaked, which meant it wasn't anywhere near as spiky as he liked it. Despite the fact that he no longer looked like he stuck a fork in an electric socket, he was in a distinctly bad mood. "Angeal! Can't we get out of the rain for like five minutes?" Zack asked, pleading with his mentor. Sephiroth, Genesis, and Angeal didn't seem to appreciate the rain very much, either, but they complained a lot less than Zack did on a regular basis.

"Do you see anywhere to get out of the rain, boy?" Genesis hissed, clutching at the front of his jacket under which was hidden his copy of Loveless.

"Besides, we're SOLDIER! We finish our missions whether it's rain, sleet, snow, hail…" Angeal said.

"That's postmen, Angeal," Sephiroth pointed out.

"Well, it applies to us as well," Angeal said.

While Sephiroth and Angeal were arguing about the similarities between postmen and SOLDIER operatives, Zack spotted something on the road up ahead of them. It was a large building, probably a house or an inn. He couldn't really tell, because only the silhouette of the building was visible through the pouring rain. The house was surrounded by scraggly trees that were completely bare of leaves, regardless of the fact that it was the middle of summer. "Hey! Up there!" Zack shouted, pointing at the house.

Angeal and Sephiroth both turned to look at the house, whilst Genesis quoted something from Loveless about the words "up there". No one was really sure why he carried the book around when he practically had the whole thing memorized. "So what? It's a creepy old mansion," Angeal said.

"We can stay there until the storm blows over!" Zack replied, "C'mon!"

Angeal, Sephiroth, and Genesis had no choice but to follow Zack up the hill to the house. Although Angeal didn't doubt his trainee's choice of a shelter (because there was no other shelter around), he couldn't help but feel like there was something strange about the place. It was an almost eerie feeling, as though they were being watched. Angeal decided to ignore the premonition. They were SOLDIER, what could the residents of some creepy house do to them?

Zack reached the front door, and began banging on it, but no one replied. "Hey! Hello in there!" he called, pounding on the door with the huge, skeleton-shaped door knocker. Angeal raised an eyebrow as he looked at it. If that wasn't strange, he didn't know what was. Sephiroth rolled his eyes and reached past Zack to press an ordinary-looking, modern doorbell. Chimes that sounded like an organ reverberated through the house, and the door slid open with a loud, hollow creak that echoed almost painfully.

Zack felt a chill go up his spine as he glanced around the room. Even though it was dark, he could see very well with his mako-enhanced eyesight. And he could tell that there was no one in the room. "How…" he paused and swallowed when he found that his throat was completely dry. "How did the door open?"

He gasped, and jumped into the air about a foot when he felt a cold hand on his arm. Realizing it was Sephiroth, Zack sighed and shook his head. "Don't scare me like that, man," he said.

"Look over there," Sephiroth said, pointing at a painting on the wall. There was a young woman in the picture, sitting in a chair. She appeared to be facing the group, her stony gray eyes fixed on them. Her expression was almost one of surprise, but it could easily be fear as well. Zack gave a low whistle.

"She's cute," he said, stepping into the room to take a closer look at the picture. The other men crowded in behind him, all looking around for any signs of danger. Apparently they all felt the same creepy feeling that Angeal had upon entering the house. Zack now seemed to be rather distracted from any suspicions because of the beautiful girl, but Angeal pulled on his arm to drag him away from the painting.

"Look at this," Genesis said, pointing to the couch. There was a large rip in the center of it, surrounded by a brownish stain. Genesis poked it gingerly, hoping that despite the rip, they could find somewhere to sit. "It's soaking wet!" he realized when the fabric audibly squished under his touch. The carpet around the couch was wet as well, and there was a strange musty smell coming from it.

Zack still felt like someone was watching him. The hair on the back of his neck was standing up, even if the rest of it was flat because of the rain. He glanced around, to find that the room was still empty. As his eyes searched over the room, he noticed something very strange about the painting. "Guys…" he whispered, "was she facing this direction before?"

Genesis emitted a noise that sounded like a surprised kitten, and Angeal just smacked Zack on the head. "Yes, she was!" he snapped.

"Oh," Zack replied.

"Stop scaring us like that," Genesis sighed.

"You were the only one who was scared," Sephiroth pointed out.

"Come on, just because it's a creepy old house, there's a suspicious stain on the couch, it's a dark and stormy night, and there is some weird painting on the wall we have no reason to believe it's haunted or anything!" Angeal said, trying to boost everyone's morale. However, he had just said the one word that one of them dared to utter for the whole time, but all of them were thinking. Haunted.

Zack shivered, and not just because of the cold.

"This place… it's not normal," he said.

Genesis shook his head. "It's paranormal."


	2. Go Out the Door, Not Up the Stairs

**Disclaimer: I am in love with Zack Fair! Wait… that's not my disclaimer. I don't own Final Fantasy! There. That's better.**

**A/N: Just so you know, I hate horror stories with a passion. Why am I writing one, then? Well, I'm bored. **

**Go Out the Door, Not Up the Stairs**

Zack peeked out the door for the second time in ten seconds. The storm was still raging; as a matter of fact, it had gotten worse. He shook his head, chuckling under his breath. "Still stuck here," he muttered.

"Great, that's a lovely update from five seconds ago," said Genesis, who was reading Loveless, "when we were also still stuck." Sephiroth chuckled under his breath. Zack was about to retort, but he realized that it was actually very funny, so he did not comment.

Angeal was beginning to feel more and more like something was watching them. In fact, he could almost see a pair of red eyes staring at them from out of the darkness. Hollow, evil red eyes of a creature that haunted this place, and… wait! They were real! "What is that?" Angeal muttered, pointing at the eyes.

"HOLY COW! It's gonna eat us!" Zack shouted, running up the spiral staircase.

"Zack! Don't go up the stairs!" Genesis called after the boy, but he ran up the stairs as well. Sephiroth and Angeal both followed them warily, still looking down the stair at the pair of eyes that also seemed to be following them.

"S-stay back," Sephiroth stuttered, pointing Masamune in the general direction of the eyes.

"You know, whenever someone goes up the stairs in a horror movie, they get killed," Zack realized as he looked around the room. They were in a large sitting room now, with a dusty crystal chandelier on the ceiling and a number of couches covered in white fabric so that they looked like ghosts.

"Says the one who went up the stairs first," Angeal pointed out. Angeal and Sephiroth were still slowly backing up the stairs, the eyes moving closer and closer the further back they went. Genesis was peering over the railing at the eyes, trying to determine what they were, while Zack was looking straight into a different set of dark gray eyes.

The same painting sat in a frame above the mantelpiece. And Zack still could have sworn that the woman was staring at him. Maybe she was checking him out.

"Hey guys, you might want to take a look at this," Zack said.

"Kinda busy, here," said Angeal, who had unsheathed the Buster sword to point it at the flickering red eyes that were still hopping up the stairs. Sephiroth nearly tripped as he realized that he was all the way on the second floor and there were no more stairs to go up. Angeal followed close behind, his arm almost brushing against Masamune's blade. Sephiroth laid one of his hands on Angeal's back, telling his friend not to step back any further or he would be seriously popping Sephiroth's personal space bubble.

As the eyes moved closer and the creature passed in front of a small fragment of light reflecting off of the chandelier, Zack started laughing. All three first class SOLDIERs turned to look at Zack, who was nearly doubled over in hysterics, crying with laughter. "What?" Angeal asked, so distracted that he was no longer paying attention to the creepy eyes.

"It's a bunny!" Zack said, pointing in the direction of the albino rabbit that sat in a little pool of light at the top of the staircase. Sephiroth slapped Angeal on the back of the head.

"You got us all freaked out because of a BUNNY?" he raged.

"Sorry, the thing has creepy eyes!" Angeal said over his own laughter. Even Genesis was laughing as he picked up the rabbit and began stroking its head.

"We should name him 'Fluffy'," Zack suggested.

"Oh no, we're not naming him anything," Angeal said, suddenly very serious. "As soon as you name something, you want to keep it."

"Why can't we keep him?" Zack asked, petting the little animal now nestled in Genesis's arms.

"Because he probably belongs to the owner of this house," Angeal said.

Zack raised an eyebrow. "C'mon, 'Geal, this house has a layer of dust and cobwebs two inches deep. Nobody lives here anymore."

"Maybe someone doesn't live here," Sephiroth began, "but what if some_thing_…"

"Shut up, Sephiroth!" Genesis snapped. "You're scaring Fluffy!" The rabbit, in fact, looked rather unperturbed by Sephiroth's eluding to ghosts.

"I'm sure 'Fluffy' would have noticed it as well if he'd stopped reading Loveless and actually looked around the place," Sephiroth said, making air quotes around the rabbit's name. He didn't even like the stupid name, anyways, especially when it was being used as an excuse for Genesis being absolutely terrified of ghosts. "This is a haunted house, Angeal said it."

"I said it wasn't haunted," Angeal pointed out.

Sephiroth shook his head. "Whatever. Anyways, we've all been feeling creeped out since we got in here. SOLDIER members, especially first and second class, should always have a good intuition when it comes to these sorts of things. Come on, you've all sensed it. We're not alone here."

Zack gulped, glancing over his shoulder at the painting. "That's what I was trying to tell you, she…" he trailed off when he noticed that there was a mirror in the ornate frame around what had once been the painting. "The painting is gone!" he gasped.

"What are you talking about?" Angeal asked.

"It was just here a minute ago," Zack said, "the same painting as downstairs!"

"You must be seeing things," Angeal replied.

"No I'm not! I swear it was right here!" Zack said pointing at the mirror. He was too afraid to go across the room and examine the mirror.

Genesis screamed and clutched the rabbit more tightly. "This place _is _haunted!" he shouted hysterically. "We're gonna die! This always happens; you go up the stairs in the creepy old mansion and you die! We're all going to get killed in here!"

"No way!" Zack shot back. "I refuse to let that happen! I can't die yet! Whatever happened to fulfilling your dreams?"

"Yes! We have to all get back so that we can fulfill this mission," Angeal said. He could definitely make an argument when it came to fulfilling dreams and upholding honor.

Zack shook his head. "No, no, that's not what I'm talking about," he said. "My dream is to marry Aerith!"

Sephiroth chuckled. "Not gonna happen. She's way out of your league."

Zack groaned. "Can we just focus on getting out of here?"

Angeal turned and took a step down the stairs when there was a bang like a gunshot. Genesis gasped and dropped Fluffy, Zack jumped even higher than last time someone scared him, and Sephiroth leaned over the railing, searching for the source of the noise. They finally figured out what caused the bang when Angeal pointed one finger at their place of entrance. The door was slammed shut.


	3. Never Explore a Haunted House

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, and Genesis is really not that much of a wimp. **

**A/N: Hello, and welcome to the new chapter. The boys still can't seem to find the key to the door… and I need some suggestions of names for the girl in the picture! What would you all call her? **

**Never Explore a Haunted House**

After a long period of slamming into the door, shaking the handle, and pulling on it with all the force of four SOLDIERs, Zack, Angeal, Genesis, and Sephiroth determined that the door was not going to budge. Fluffy just sat there nonchalantly and watched the proceedings.

"Okay, the door is out. How do we get out of here, then?" Angeal asked. He was surprised, but the old structure was surprisingly sturdy.

"Let's think about it for a minute," Zack said. If Angeal was dead, he would have rolled over in his grave. Zack, suggesting they think about something? Now that one was new.

Sephiroth was pacing back and forth across the room, his curtain of silvery hair floating behind him. It whipped around and nearly hit Genesis, who was sitting at the base of the stairs, perusing Loveless to see if it had any sort of information on how to get out of haunted houses, every time Sephiroth turned. Angeal was leaning up against the door, wondering whether his Buster sword would break through the wood. He decided not to risk it.

"What… are you doing?" Sephiroth asked, pausing mid-pace to look at Zack.

"Squats," Zack explained, although it was not much of an explanation. Sephiroth could tell that Zack was doing squats, but he wasn't sure why. His confused expression was a sign for Zack to elaborate. "Helps me think," he said.

"Nothing helps you get anything useful out of that empty space in your head you call a brain," Genesis snapped. Apparently, now that he was no longer upstairs and was now down in a room he knew was safe, he was back to his moody, Loveless-quoting self.

"Hey," Zack said, standing. Sephiroth was surprised when Zack didn't bend down to do another squat. "If we can't get out this door, there must be another one! What if we go look around a little?" he asked.

"No," Genesis replied flatly.

"Aww, come on! We're either going to go look around or we'll just end up stuck here forever and die of starvation or something!" Zack whined.

"I don't want to look around!" Genesis snapped.

"I don't want to die!" Zack replied.

"Is this about marrying Aerith?" Sephiroth interjected.

"No! Yes! Maybe! Well… yes," Zack said. "But I still think we should go explore a little!"

Angeal nodded. "Yeah, we should probably find a way out of here. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen," he said.

"Yes!" Zack cheered, running up the stairs again with Angeal and a reluctant Genesis being pulled by Sephiroth following close behind. He glanced at the wall over the fireplace again, to find that there was still a mirror instead of the painting there.

"I still think you didn't really see the painting," Genesis said sourly, tightening his hold on Fluffy when Zack poked around at the fireplace. Angeal rolled his eyes when his trainee stuck his head in the chimney.

"Zack, what do you think you're doing?" Angeal asked.

Zack gave some sort of muffled reply and Angeal was about to ask him what he was saying when Zack screamed and darted out from under the chimney, nearly hitting his head on the mantle as he did. The boy sprinted across the room and collided with Angeal, his arms around his mentor. Angeal wasn't sure whether to yell at Zack or comfort him at this point. "What is going on?" Sephiroth asked.

"She… was in there…" Zack said shakily. Angeal cleared his throat and Zack blinked, then realized he was still hugging Angeal and sprung off of him. "Sorry about that, man," he muttered.

"Who is 'she'?" Angeal asked.

"The painting, duh!" Zack replied. "I was looking up the chimney and all of the sudden that face was flying at me from above!"

Genesis was plugging his ears and singing loudly to block out the horror story taking place in front of him. Fluffy did not seem to appreciate being dropped on the ground by the redhead once again.

"What are you on?" Sephiroth asked.

"Zack, are you sure you're not just kind of scared and a little girl-crazy and so you're just seeing things?" Angeal asked. Zack shook his head vigorously.

"No way! Go look for yourself!" he said. Sephiroth crossed the room, told Genesis to shut up, and stuck his head into the chimney.

"Zack, there's nothing in — AUGH!"

Zack and Genesis both jumped when they heard Sephiroth scream, and Angeal's hand flew to the hilt of his sword. Sephiroth ran out from under the chimney, followed by a swarm of bats and screaming about his hair. Angeal visibly relaxed, and laughed a little at the sight of the general being chased around by bats. Eventually, the black creatures returned to their roost in the chimney and Sephiroth collapsed on a covered couch, sighing.

He glanced back up at Zack and glared. "I hate you," he said coldly.

Zack shrugged. "Hey, I never told you specifically to go looking around in there."

Angeal was about to retort when he realized that Genesis was looking around frantically. "What's up?" he casually asked the Loveless fanboy.

"I can't find Fluffy!" Genesis wailed. The others looked around for the little white rabbit that disappeared while Genesis was singing. Perhaps it didn't like the sound of his voice?

"There he is!" Zack said, pointing at the rabbit which was hopping in the direction of a door. The little animal pressed its paws against the door and nudged it open, then hopped inside. "After him!" Zack followed Fluffy, and Genesis followed Zack, leaving Sephiroth and Angeal to stand there, stunned, for a moment. Eventually, the other two 1sts followed as well, pushing open the door to look down a long hallway. There were no doors on either side, just one at the end, which Fluffy was hopping towards.

Angeal sighed, folding his arms over his chest. "Why do I get the feeling I _don't_ want to know what's at the end of that hallway?"


	4. Split Up and Search for Clues

**Disclaimer: Why would I want Zack so much if I owned this?**

**A/N: Hello there… You know, whenever I'm imagining the house for this story, it looks kind of like the mansion in Luigi's Haunted Mansion. I loved that game, played it all the time when I had a gamecube. I never managed to beat it, though.**

**Split Up and Search For Clues**

"We're going down there," Zack said.

"No way!" Genesis replied.

"You wanted the rabbit," Sephiroth pointed out.

"I'm not going all the way down that creepy hallway to see what's on the other side of the door just for a _rabbit_," Genesis said icily.

"What if that door is a way out?" Zack asked.

"We're on the second floor, Zack, there's no way it could be a way out," Angeal said.

"Well, maybe it leads to a way out," Zack protested.

"FINE! We will go down the hallway, alright!" Sephiroth shouted. Everyone stared at him, wide-eyed and a little surprised by the outburst from the normally calm 1st class SOLDIER. Sephiroth began stalking down the hallway, and after a few moments, Zack and Angeal followed. Genesis was bobbing about nervously in their wake. He kept opening his mouth as though he wanted to say something, and then closing it before he did. Finally, Angeal got tired of this.

"What is it, Genesis?" he asked.

"Um… the door behind us… it also closed and locked," Genesis pointed out.

Zack ran back to the door to try opening it, but, unfortunately, even his thick skull couldn't dent the wood. He swore loudly, rattling the doorknob, but it would not budge.

"Looks like the only way out is forward," Angeal said, turning to look at the door on the opposite side of the room. It was open a little, but he couldn't see inside. Fluffy was gone, having already gotten into the door. "Let's go, then," Angeal said, taking the lead as he restarted the trek down the seemingly endless hallway. Zack trotted after him, and Sephiroth and Genesis weren't far behind.

"Is it just me, or does this hallway seem to be going on forever?" Zack asked after a good five minutes of walking. The door still didn't seem to be any closer than it did when they started walking. Angeal stopped, and the rest of the group halted as well.

"I was thinking that, myself," he said.

"Well Fluffy got down there!" Genesis pointed out.

"Maybe it only works for rabbits," Sephiroth suggested. Zack sighed.

"And I thought we were finally going to get out of here," he said. He leaned against the wall, making a frustrated noise in the back of his throat.

"Looks like we'll just die in here instead of out there," Angeal said. Zack patted his mentor on the shoulder.

"Don't be like that, Angeal. We'll be fine!" he said, leaning his head back so that it was pressed against the wall as well. At that moment, the wall lurched inward, and Zack fell, tightening his hold on Angeal's shoulder as he did. Both men plummeted down what seemed to be a very long hole, and both were very relieved when they landed on a mattress.

Zack sat up, shaking his head as he looked around. He couldn't see Genesis or Sephiroth, only a small, round circle of light at the top of the room where the wall had been. "What happened?" Angeal asked, rubbing the back of his head. Angeal, unfortunately, landed on one of the bricks from the wall.

"I think we're in a bedroom," Zack said.

"How are we all the way down here, though?" Angeal asked, deciding not to say 'thank you, Captain Obvious'. Of course they were in a bedroom, they were sitting on a _bed_, for goodness sake! Zack shrugged.

"We're not on the second floor anymore, so we must have fallen through a place that didn't have any floor on it," he said.

"Either that or it did and we crashed through it," Angeal said.

Zack located the bedroom door, pulled it open, and looked around. The room outside was dusty and old, with only a set of rickety stairs and some mismatched boxes lying around it. Zack gulped, slowly shutting the door as he looked at Angeal, fear clearly written across his face. "We're in the basement," he announced.

"They say that's the worst place to be in a haunted house," Angeal said. He took the sword off of his back and opened the door again. Zack followed him out of the room, looking around furtively for any ghosts. "Try the door at the top of the stairs," Angeal said. Zack nodded, and then dashed up the stairs. Once again, the door proved too sturdy for even SOLDIER strength, and Zack couldn't get it to budge. Angeal hadn't found much, either.

"Wonder what's in these…" Zack said, pulling open the cardboard flaps of one of the boxes. As soon as he did, he jumped backwards, almost crashing into Angeal again.

"Don't tell me it's…"

"That girl! Again!" Zack shouted, pointing a shaking finger at the box. Angeal shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Angeal!" Zack whined, chasing after the man. "I swear, it really was!"

Angeal just sighed. "You said that last time, Zack."

VII

"Do you think they're alright?" Genesis asked, peering over the side of the chasm. He didn't necessarily want to go down there, but he was still somewhat worried about Angeal and Zack.

"I'm sure they're fine," Sephiroth said. "And hey, not having Zack around would make the world a lot less annoying."

"Hey, should we keep going?" Genesis asked.

"If this hallway ever ends, that is," Sephiroth said, beginning to walk. After a minute, Genesis realized something.

"We're still next to the hole in the wall."

Sephiroth looked to his right, and noticed the gaping hole that Zack had caused still there. "Yeah… that's weird," he said. "Hey, Genesis, start walking for a minute," Sephiroth ordered, sitting down. Genesis began walking again, feeling as though he looked a little like an idiot. Sephiroth was moving backward on the floor, and he remained next to the hole in the wall.

"What the…"

"It's a conveyer belt," Sephiroth explained. "When you walk, it turns backwards, so you stay in the same place." Genesis flopped onto the ground exasperatedly.

"Well, what do we do, then?" he asked, "Since we can't move and all."

Sephiroth shook his head, chuckling a little at his friend's words. "Genesis, Genesis… we're Final Fantasy characters! We can run up _walls_, you know!"


	5. The Basement is the Most Dangerous Place

**Disclaimer: I own a picture I drew of Genesis being afraid of ghosts… but that is all. **

**A/N: So, I was playing Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep, and my favorite world is now the Olympus Coliseum! Zack was there~! I totally spazzed out when he showed up, but my brother was like "what is wrong with you?" because he didn't know who it was since Zack was wearing a helmet. I recognized his voice.**

**The Basement is the Most Dangerous Place**

The upstairs bedroom isn't much better, though.

VII

"We are so dead," Zack muttered.

"I don't see this ghost girl," Angeal said, poking his head in the box. "It's full of rabbit food, actually."

"I saw a girl a minute ago!" Zack replied. "Really!"

Angeal just thought that his apprentice had finally lost it. Maybe the haunted house had been too stressful for his little brain? Angeal sighed and shut the box, searching around the room for another way out. Straight ahead of him was a wall with a deep sink sitting there. Left, a pile of metal boxes and brown paper bags. Right, the stairs that led to another impenetrable door. Behind him was the door to the basement bedroom. Angeal glanced at the wall, where a picture frame hung.

The frame's glass surface was covered with dust, but as Angeal wiped it off, he realized that the picture was of the same girl in the painting downstairs. He heard Zack gasp from behind him and he groaned. "It's just a picture, Zack."

"Yeah," Zack said, "a _freaky_ picture! The thing comes to life!"

"It does not," Angeal sighed.

Zack rolled his eyes, as though Angeal was the one who sounded crazy. Angeal didn't really know what to do at the action, so he just took the picture down and examined it more closely. "It's not doing anything, Zack, really." Zack still seemed wary of the picture, stepping further and further away from it. Angeal wasn't sure quite what brought on this sudden panic attack, so he looked back down at the picture, expecting it to be the same as it was before.

That was when he realized that there was a hand sticking out of it. A white, pale hand with long, spindly fingers, grabbing the side of the frame as it if was trying to pull itself out of the picture. Angeal dropped the picture, stepped away, and picked up his sword.

"Do you think it's alive NOW!" Zack shouted, pointing his own shaking blade at the picture frame. Another hand was making its way out, leading up to arms with black sleeves covering them.

"No, you idiot, it's a ghost, so it's _not_ alive, thus the problem!" Angeal replied.

A head finally emerged from the picture as a brown-haired woman climbed out of it, muttering about her dress hardly fitting through the picture frame. Zack was shouting streams of words that seemed to be the first things that came to his mind. Angeal could hardly determine what the boy was saying, except that it was half swearing and half screaming for his mommy. "Is something wrong with him… like, mentally?" the girl asked.

She had a normal voice, not like a ghost at all. Ghosts were supposed to have haunting, echoing voices that scared someone just to hear them. And so, when confronted with the fact that this girl sounded completely normal, Zack shut up. "I think he may have been dropped on his head too many times as a child," Angeal said.

"Oh," said the woman, who was still sitting with her feet inside the frame.

"Who _are_ you?" Zack asked.

"Oh, I'm Chandler," she said, "Chandler Bates. I've lived here for a long time, but I was stuck in that picture. Thank you for getting me out." Chandler swung her feet back and forth absently, looking between Zack and Angeal as though nothing was out of the ordinary. She spoke with a strange accent, as though she was from a time period that Zack was sure he learned about in History class at some point in his life.

"Why were you even stuck in the picture?" Zack asked.

Chandler shrugged. "My sister," she said, "the one in the picture downstairs."

Zack jumped, certain that the picture downstairs was just as creepy as this one by this point. "So _she's _stuck in a picture too?" he asked. Angeal rolled his eyes, still convinced that said picture was completely normal.

"No. She's probably a rabbit right about now," Chandler said, "I turned her into one before she locked me in the picture."

Angeal folded his arms, looking curiously at Chandler, who was still sitting in over the edge of the painting's frame. "So how did you get out if you were locked inside of it?" he asked. Chandler folded her hands in her lap and looked at them, thinking for a moment.

"I don't know, aren't spells only supposed to be broken by true love's kiss?" she asked.

"That's sappy," Angeal scoffed.

"It's romantic!" Zack retorted.

"It still doesn't explain how she'd out of that picture," Angeal said.

"Maybe it was just because you took the picture off the wall," Chandler said, looking at Angeal. She finally stood, tugging her feet out of the picture frame and leaving it behind as a picture of a chair sitting against a white background. "Whatever the reason, I'm glad to be out of that thing. Now, we should go find my sister and see what other devious things she's up to. She kills people for fun, you know, she's a very strange person."

Zack rolled his eyes, fully aware that someone who kills people for fun was worthy of a much more harrowing description than 'a very strange person'. Heck, he was a very strange person, and he didn't kill anyone unless he was ordered to! Well, sometimes when they were _really_ annoying… but that was another story. At the moment, Zack happened to be too wrapped up in thinking about whether or not he was stranger than the aforementioned sister, he failed to realize a very important detail of what Chandler just said.

"Wait… you said your sister was supposed to be a rabbit right about now, right?" Angeal asked.

Zack squealed, clutching Angeal's arm in horror. "HOLY COW, FLUFFY IS A MURDERER!"


	6. Never Trust a Bunny

**Disclaimer: You know, there are a lot of wacky pairings for Final Fantasy. If I owned it, I would eradicate them.**

**A/N: Hi~! By the way, I wanted to thank everyone for reviewing, especially my one anonymous reviewer who said they were suspicious of the bunny when they reviewed… quite some time ago. I laughed so hard… Well, now you all know that Fluffy is indeed a very bad bunny. So what happened to Genesis and Sephiroth, who are locked up with her?**

**Never Trust a Bunny**

Genesis and Sephiroth successfully reached the door, and opened it to reveal that they were in a bedroom. Fluffy was sitting in the center of the room, fixing its gray eyes on them as they entered. Wait. Gray eyes? Genesis certainly didn't remember the rabbit having gray eyes. Sephiroth couldn't care less.

"Is it just me, or is there something strange about that bunny?" Genesis asked.

"Its ears turned brown instead of white, if that's what you're talking about," Sephiroth replied in a bored fashion.

"That… doesn't normally happen, correct?" Genesis asked the General. Sephiroth shrugged.

"It's just a rabbit," he said.

"That's right, just a rabbit…" Genesis reassured himself, "it couldn't do anything, right?"

The rabbit stood up on its hind legs and pointed one paw at Genesis. "WRONG!" it roared in an angry and distinctly female voice. Genesis shrieked and leapt into Sephiroth's arms, who dropped him in favor of Masamune. Sephiroth pointed the blade at the rabbit, who just stared at the tip of it, raising what would have been an eyebrow at the General of SOLDIER. Apparently rabbits were actually not fearful creatures that were actually afraid of swords a good fifteen times their length in size.

Sephiroth was beginning to doubt that this was a rabbit at all.

Genesis stood, rubbing his backside, which was sore from the hard fall he'd just suffered. "Will you please just explain what's going on, Fluffy?" he asked.

"Don't talk to that thing like it's some kind of human!" Sephiroth snapped.

"But he just talked to us!" Genesis replied.

"I'm a girl!" Fluffy interjected. "And my name isn't actually Fluffy!"

"Darn, it would be interesting to meet a girl named Fluffy," Genesis said, forgetting he was talking to something that was either a rabbit with the ability to speak, a person that looked suspiciously like a rabbit, or a ghost. Or all three, although Genesis wasn't sure that was possible. Hojo could probably make one. Genesis should ask him for one, to keep as a pet and to use in order to threaten the younger recruits.

On second thought, he highly doubted said recruits would be afraid of a rabbit, ghost or otherwise.

"I'm Clarisse," she explained. "I lived in this mansion for a long time, committing evil deeds and attempting all the while to get rid of my obnoxious sister. But when I was about to finally seal her into a painting forever, she TURNED ME INTO A RABBIT!"

"So we see," Sephiroth said.

"Yeah! And do you know how many people are terrified of a murderous rabbit? NONE! That's how many!" Clarisse raged.

"Don't you hate it! It's just like when people don't take me seriously because I have long, beautiful hair!" Sephiroth shouted. "Why can't I be menacing and dangerous and have good hair as well?"

"Exactly!" Clarisse replied. "Finally, someone who gets it."

Genesis raised a quivering hand. "…I am afraid of murderous ghost rabbits," he admitted.

"I'm not a ghost," Clarisse replied. "Just a rabbit. And I need to kill my sister, or I'll never be a human again!" she wailed.

Sephiroth swept up the rabbit and turned around, his hair swishing behind him dramatically. "I will assist you, Fluffy!"

"Clarisse."

"Right. That," he said, throwing open the door and promptly both tripping on the conveyer belt hallway and catching his hair in the door as Genesis swung it shut. The redhead chuckled, it wasn't every day that someone got to see Sephiroth do anything remotely clumsy. Actually, it wasn't _any_ day that someone got to see Sephiroth do anything remotely clumsy. Genesis highly doubted that Sephiroth had ever done anything clumsy in his lifetime.

He should have brought a camera.


	7. Don't Panic

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, I would not be writing fanfiction, I would be laughing at people who write fanfiction and all the crazy things they put in it. **

**A/N: So, something really interesting happened with this story. A couple chapters ago I found out that one of my reviewers, OhJay, has a cousin named Chandler Bates who loves Final Fantasy. I think that is so cool! Maybe this is one of those "there is no coincidence, only inevitability" kind of things. **

**Hey, real Chandler, you don't happen to have either a pet rabbit or a sister, do you?**

**Don't Panic**

Zack was panicking. "Angeal, what do we do? Fluffy is a murderer and is gonna kill us and ! How the heck am I supposed to get back to Midgar and become a First Class SOLDIER and marry Aerith and live happily ever after if I'm murdered by a friggin' lagomorph!"

Meanwhile, the entire fandom attempted to decide whether to laugh or weep at the dramatic irony.

Angeal was not aware Zack knew that rabbits were lagomorphs. He just assumed his protégé was like everyone else in the world and thought they were rodents. Angeal paused to wonder how he knew rabbits were lagomorphs. Then he shook his head and returned his attention to his hyperventilating mentee. "Zack! Calm down!" he ordered, grabbing the boy's shoulder and giving him a good shake to knock his senses back into place. That is, if they had a place.

"Yeah… they do say panicking is one of the worst things you can do in a situation like this," Chandler pointed out.

"Gee, thanks, that makes me feel so much better about myself," Zack said sarcastically.

"Well," Angeal said, "We should probably start with getting out of the basement and trying to find the others."

Zack rolled his eyes. "Have you forgotten that the basement is locked?" he asked.

"Oh!" Chandler said suddenly, reaching into a hidden pocket on the side of her dress and pulling out a small, silver key. She held it out to Zack, who took it.

"Don't tell me this key works on every door in the house," he groaned.

"Fine, I won't tell you, but it does anyway," Chandler said, pushing him toward the door.

"Alright, alright, I'm opening it! If Sephiroth pops out with a bunny, though, I'm stabbing him regardless of the fact that he's my superior," Zack said. He slid the key into the lock and turned it, opening the door with much more ease than his and Angeal's numerous attempts at running into it and throwing heavy objects at it. Zack now wished he hadn't run into the wall so many times. He could have saved himself quite a bit of pain that way. After opening the door, Zack looked around for a few seconds, watching for any signs of Fluffy, Genesis, or Sephiroth. Having seen none, he crept out of the door.

"I thought you didn't like stealth missions," Angeal pointed out. Zack jumped at the loud noise.

"I'm trying to hide from people that might try to kill us, okay!" he snapped. "Besides, I have a plan."

Angeal rolled his eyes. "Do I want to know what this plan is?" he asked. Zack laughed, which Angeal decided was a 'no'. So, he just watched as Zack walked up the staircase out of the basement and into the kitchen. And then he decided that if they weren't in a horror story before, they certainly were now. The kitchen was covered in blood, from the ceiling to the antique tile floor. Angeal could not _believe_ someone would ruin marble countertops like that. The blood was not fresh, which was a good sign. This meant that the rabbit had not been killing anyone as a rabbit. Still, it was not a nice sight, due to the fact that most of the blood was congealed and dried and disgusting. In the corner of the countertops, there sat a number of dusty bottles. Angeal couldn't make out their labels due to the darkness of the kitchen and the thick layer of dust.

"Well that's nasty," Zack said. Angeal raised an eyebrow, noting that this reaction was rather light compared to the rest of his responses, which usually involved losing control and nearly screaming in fright. Zack continued, bringing to light the reason he was not afraid of the bloody kitchen. "What kind of person would squirt ketchup all over the place like that?"

"Uh, Zack, I don't think that's… ketchup," Angeal replied.

Zack picked up one of the bottles, wiped the dust off the label and held it out to Angeal. "It's ketchup," he replied. "Trust me, Angeal. I'm a teenage boy. I know ketchup when I see it."

The label did indeed say 'Tomato Ketchup' on it, so Angeal decided not to argue any longer. If he did, Zack would probably try eating the ketchup to see if it really was ketchup, which would give him food poisoning, and Angeal really did not want to deal with that. So he just kept quiet as Zack unlocked yet another door and entered the living room. It was the same room they had started out this crazy journey in, and as Zack finally unlocked the front door, sunlight flooded the dusty old room. Suddenly, Zack recalled the suspicious stain on the couch, and glanced over at it.

"Speaking of not thinking things are ketchup…" Zack began, "What is that?"

Chandler glanced at it. "A coffee stain; what's it look like?"

Neither Zack nor Angeal wanted to tell her what it looked like.

And even if they had, they did not have a chance to, because Sephiroth, Genesis, and the little rabbit (which now had brown spots) came down the spiral staircase.

"I'll be riiiight back," Zack said, ducking out the door.

Angeal highly doubted this, but instead of yelling at Zack to come back inside (because it was pointless), Angeal turned to face Sephiroth and the rabbit. Genesis instantly ran to Angeal's side and hid behind his friend. "What are you maniacs doing!" Angeal shouted at Sephiroth and Fluffy.

"Fluffy and I are taking over the world in the name of cute bunnies and good hair!" Sephiroth announced. The rabbit stood up on its back feet and folded its cute little paws, attempting with all its might to give Angeal an evil stare.

It failed.

"My name is not Fluffy, you imbecile, I'm Clarisse!"

Sephiroth dropped the rabbit, looking astonished. "What? Imbecile! How dare you call me that?"

"As your leader, I can call you whatever I like!" Clarisse, who decided to be called Clarisse in the narration as well, replied.

"No way!" Sephiroth gasped, "This is NOT what I agreed to! I thought we were partners in this!"

"As if!" Clarisse scoffed.

Elsewhere in the universe, Xigbar shuddered and remarked that his catchphrase had been stolen.

The rabbit, as though it was at all possible, rolled her eyes and smoothed her ears back with her paw. "Fine, whatever, I'll just kill you all and take over the world myself." All of the men glanced down at her suspiciously, highly doubting that it was possible for a rabbit to take on three first-class SOLDIERS and win. Clarisse paced in a circle, turning around so that she was facing her sister, who was still standing next to Angeal. "Because, dear sister, even though I am a rabbit, rabbits can still be magicians just like humans can. After all, that wasn't ketchup on the kitchen walls."


	8. The Final Countdown

**Disclaimer: **

**Roses are red**

**Violets aren't blue**

**I don't own Final Fantasy**

**And neither do you.**

**A/N: How do you like my poetry skills? **

**Life kind of attacked me, so sorry, this is really late. **

**Anyhoo, this is the final chapter. I have had a wonderful time writing this story; it's been fun and hilarious and I plan on writing a lot more FFVII fanfics soon! Thanks to everyone who has read this story, especially those of you who have reviewed; it really encouraged me to keep going. **

**The Final Countdown**

"That is going to take quite some time to repair," Genesis remarked, looking at the wall. After proclaiming that she was still a wizard, Clarisse proceeded to blow a hole through the wall with a Firaga spell. Genesis returned his attention to Chandler. "I hope you have insurance."

"I hope you can run quickly," Chandler replied, as another blast of fire nearly hit the redhead, singeing the edge of his cloak as he dodged.

"And I thought we were comrades!" Sephiroth shouted as he also ran from the crazy pyromaniac rabbit.

"Have any of you seen Zack?" Angeal asked.

Genesis shook his head. "No, but if any of us aren't making it out of this alive, it's Zack," he said. Angeal's brow furrowed in anger, not wanting to ask what Genesis was insinuating by that. Zack was perfectly capable of not getting killed by a rabbit, additionally, he was the only one who had managed to come up with a plan. Whatever said plan was, that is…

"Actually, Zack probably would be fine, Clarisse is a sucker for cute boys," Chandler pointed out. Clarisse, who was now entirely brown, and although she had regained her original color, she was going to be staying a rabbit for a long time, that is, until her sister was dead.

"What! I'm cute!" Genesis protested.

"Maybe she doesn't go for the 'quotes plays in a manner that borders on addiction' type," Sephiroth said coolly, repelling one of the rabbit's fiery blasts with a blizzard spell. Genesis screeched a number of insults at him, mostly ones that involved 'girly hair' and 'constantly showing off your chest', but Sephiroth ignored them and took a few swipes at the rabbit with Masamune.

"You know, if that thing wasn't so _small_, it would be easier to hit!" Angeal pointed out.

"That said, I don't think we want a gigantic evil bunny attacking," Chandler added.

"Good point," Angeal sighed.

The battle continued to rage, at some points, quite literally. Most of the front hall of the mansion was on fire, and it was quickly spreading. Long scorch marks marred the dead front grass, the rest of which had been trampled by three pairs of combat boots. The porch was beginning to cave in, because Sephiroth had cut the pillars supporting it in half. And with all this devastation, the one thing that needed to actually be destroyed remained alive and spouting fire.

"Can't you just give her the brain of a rabbit to go along with that body!" Genesis asked.

"I'd need a real rabbit for that!" Clarisse replied, ducking behind a tree as another jet of flame burst along the ground.

Angeal glanced around at the charred landscape. "I don't think many rabbits live here," he sighed, "and if they do, they're probably burnt to a crisp."

"Well, all we need to make sure of is that we don't get burnt to a crisp!" Genesis shouted, performing an impressive backflip to avoid more dangerous spells. Now the rabbit was sending out black magic that the three SOLDIERS had never even seen before. Dark tendrils weaved their way around the dying garden and the scorched lawn, following the men and Chandler wherever they moved. The black vines began tangling around into a dangerous web, with the rabbit at the center.

Sephiroth had managed to hack through some of the vines, but as soon as he did, both ends he'd cut came after him. Deciding that it was a better idea not to cut anything away, Sephiroth turned and shouted to his companions. "Just run in circles! We'll trap the hairy thing inside a ball of its own magic and it won't be able to escape!"

Angeal, Genesis, and Chandler nodded, running and dodging so that a giant globe of darkness surrounded Clarisse. Eventually, the vines wove tighter and tighter, until it looked like there was a humungous ball of yarn resting in the middle of the yard.

"Phew…" Angeal breathed, pausing. The tendrils had stopped chasing them, and Clarisse seemed trapped inside. "I think we did it."

"Yeah. Let's get the heck out of here now," Genesis said. "Haunted or not, there is a homicidal rabbit inside that ball, so I don't want to hang around out here for any longer."

Just as the SOLDIERS were about to back off, find Zack, and head back to Midgar, there was an explosion like that of a small bomb inside of the black vines wrapped around Clarisse. When the dust from the explosion settled, all that was left were fragments of the magic tendrils and, in the center, a small, brown bunny. Genesis groaned. "It's still ALIVE!" he shouted.

"Not for long," Sephiroth shouted, running at it and whipping Masamune into the air.

"Prepare to be trounced, Fluffy!" Genesis roared.

"Uh, guys…" Angeal began, but he had little time to deter the two before they ran smack into a magical shield that Clarisse had erected around herself.

"Ow," Genesis muttered, staggering backward and rubbing his head where he'd collided with the wall. Sephiroth was coughing loudly, apparently his sword had been what hit the shield, and subsequently jammed itself into his side due to laws of inertia that none of them wanted to explain.

"Hey! Angeal, Sephiroth, Genesis!" It was Zack, and he was running toward them, cradling something in one of his arms and waving madly with the other.

"Oh look, your puppy is back," Genesis groaned.

"Zack! Where have you been! Angeal shouted, jumping out of the way as Clarisse dropped the shield and shot more fire at them.

Zack rolled out of the way of the fire and nearly collided with Angeal. "I was getting this," he said in a hushed voice, holding out a small, furry bundle. It was a rabbit—a real one—and it looked more terrified than Genesis in a horror movie.

"Zack, did you just go get a rabbit!" Chandler shouted.

"Yeah, I figured I would get a rabbit that's a dude and maybe that rabbit would like it or something," Zack said, explaining the reason he'd missed most of the battle.

Chandler just stared at him blankly. "I don't think that would work," she said. "However, we can now transfer this rabbit's instinct and mental capabilities to Clarisse."

"So basically, she'll be trembling in her place just like this little guy," Zack explained.

"Right!" Chandler agreed, petting the rabbit on the head. Her fingertips glowed orange for a moment, and then turned white. "You can put the rabbit down now, Zack," Chandler said. Zack let go of the little tan rabbit, which ran away into the forest as soon as he did. Chandler stood in the center of the path up to the house, facing her sister.

"What are you trying to do!" Clarisse shouted, glancing furtively at the white coloring in Chandler's fingertips. Chandler did not reply, but rather grinned, holding her hand up. Her fingers went from white to orange, and a bolt of orange lightning flashed from her fingertips to Clarisse's head.

And without another word, the rabbit ran back into the ruined mansion as all four SOLDIERS stared after it, awestruck.

"Whoa… how did you do that?" Zack asked.

Chandler shrugged. "You learn a thing or two when your sister kills you and traps your soul in a painting."

Chandler turned and passed straight _through _Zack. Sephiroth made a rather unmanly squeaking noise and Angeal glanced behind Zack. He caught a glimpse of Chandler walking out of Zack's body before the girl faded along with the breeze, disappearing into thin air.

"Holy cats!" Zack shouted.

"She… she was a… g-gh… oh, goodness…" Genesis sighed, before falling backwards.

"Did he just faint?" Angeal asked.

"I think so," Sephiroth replied.

"You're carrying him back," Angeal replied. Sephiroth groaned, but hoisted Genesis over his shoulder anyway, walking away. As they left the mansion and began the long trek back to Midgar, Zack glanced over his shoulder. Chandler was standing in front of the mansion, waving at him and mouthing 'thank you'. Zack just grinned and kept walking.

He would tell Genesis about that later. He couldn't wait to see the redhead's face when he said the ghost was still there.

**The End**


End file.
